She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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