hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
