he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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