When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
