She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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