Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
