i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
