Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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