Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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