It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
