there's paper in my vomit.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
