Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Randomize
