apparently the secret to your success is patron
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
