party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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