trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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