If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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