I love black thongs
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
