Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
