I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
