I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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