At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
