don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
