Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
