A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize