you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
