NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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