is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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