Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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