i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
