he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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