i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I did not marry a roomba.
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