Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
