i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
