I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
