The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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