Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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