hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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