Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
