Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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