I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
