There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
