like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize