dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
