totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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