4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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