I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
