No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
