apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
