Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
