actually, I'm a sock model
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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