Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize