first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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