Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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