I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
