I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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