my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize