Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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