I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Drunk is a universal language darling
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
