omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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