sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
