i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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